It's been a while since my last post. It's been a while since I have felt I have anything to say. It's been a while since I have felt like I have anything to give. It's been a while since I have felt God speak, since I have felt His love. It's been a while.
It feels better just writing that. Admitting it. Relief.
Have you ever felt like that?
I have felt a bit lost recently. I guess I have been hurting. And when I am hurt, I hide. From friends. From family. From God. I have been mad. Disappointed. Confused. Frustrated. And hurt.
Today as I have been cleaning the house and adding little homely touches, I listened to a talk and then whacked the worship music on LOUD. As the words and truths permeated my being, tears ran down my face.
"How many time have you found me wandering in the rubble of yesterdays hope. Weighed down with burdens, barely standing but, I am desperate to see you again. I'm running into your arms of grace, with no reason to hide away. It's not the first time I've been in this place but I'm come home again. Welcomed home again."
God welcomed me home again today. I have kept Him out of the hurt corners of my heart. I have kept Him at arms length. But today He welcomed me with GRACE. Today as the tears fell, so did the walls.
You see, when I am hurt, I retreat. I become a recluse. I try and stand by myself. I close myself off from love. From the promises He has spoken over my future. I believe the lies. And then I blink and find myself distant, alone. And I try and find my own way back again. Believing that I have to do the work. That I have to start again. That I have to have my "routine" right before I can face Him.
“But while Lou was still a long way off, her father saw her and was filled with compassion for her; he ran to his daughter, threw his arms around her and kissed her."
The parable of the Lost Son tells us something different. I may feel more comfortable being punished for being distant, to apologise forever, to pay the price. But God bridges any gap we put between us and Him. He runs to us and embraces us with His forgiving arms of grace. We will find Him waiting for us to return.
Today, my only response could be to lift my hands and exalt Him. Proclaim truths where there had been the whisper of lies. Step up and out where I have held back. Fall on my knees and lay it all down again. Relinquish control.
As I prettied the house, I read over some promises and prayers written out on our wedding day by friends and family. I read over prophecies given to me. I forced myself to dream again. They had been forgotten, tarred by faithlessness. But today as I found myself on the way back, I reclaimed them. I put them into a centre piece on my table where I can see them daily. So I can be reminded. Encouraged. Inspired.
"I run this race set before me with perseverance, so that I can be all that God has created me to be."
So, with my heart bowed low and my hands held high, all I can do is walk with Him and build up a dialogue where there has been silence for a while.